Last post of 2010!

hahaha yup this is the last post of 2010!

heeee

the last post of my last yr of sch!

ahhh studenthood, the freedom, no more?

ooooookkkkkkkk brain not working, on relac mode now, not gonna reflect until nxt yr...... hehe so should be a short post.

Anyway, i spend the last few days of the year taking exams, playing MD, eating turkey, playing cluedo, watching tron, playing dota and flying kites n taking random photos! ohh n mahjong, meeting players n serving of cuz :)

lol.

yea thats abt it. Im ending my year rotting at home b4 going to church. Perfect =)

2011 will be very different no???

[Age is a b*tch, some1 has to come up with a nicer way to say this :x ]

last post b4 end of exams

hehehe im getting off my blog after this, gonna start studying liao, exams r scary me a alr. Just had an in-ception like moment where i cannot wake up and got stuck within my dreams alot of times. Glad im awake n typing this now, dreaming of nearly dying many times is not funny, dun dare to go back to slp alr, lol the fact that im awake now is strange. Actually its the earliest since the "study" break.

hahahaha i shld stop trying to pull off some stun n trust in Him. After all it wouldn't be at all possible. Yup this year im so far away, nxt yr would be better ya? hopefully....

yay the sun rose, random lol. Hmmm anyway i didn't study yesterday! but yesterday is yesterday so.... over alr. hahaha i woke up late, then had lunch, slack abit, slpt on my bed, then went out to plan schedule alr! ohh well im the only 1 with exams there -.- hahahaha b4 i noe it i reached home at abt 11. So........ nothing.

On a side note, seeing evry1 on hols is getting me pumped up to study!!! hahaha im sho jealous, me wants to holiday tooo! Gonna get this exam over n done with! I know i can becuz He is greater than my exams hehehehehe :):):):):):):):):)

[ Peace that surpasses all understanding, but understanding is not a bad thing no? ]

lazy

argh nothing. i wanna slp soon.

Goodnite.

Sunday. Then monday. Then nxt week. then exams. haizzz

ohh well................

dunno, dunno, dunno, dunno!!

act blur, dunno, act blur, dunno...

im worse than AM, blind n deaf, dun tell me, i dun wanna noe... i dunno anything. Dun ask me! :(

Its time to get back to exam moddeeee

gg i want to find the biggest cave in the world n just hide there. Haiz but if its the biggest cave then it would be very easy to find me ya? zzz logic fail. faster graduate b4 people i got caught 4 'smoking'. hahahahahahaah

Well, wad do u call a loser that loses again?? Loser^2??? nah he's still called a loser. Thats y being a loser rox, u can't go any lower. HA im bored. dunno wad i typing. haha ignore me..............

[lol. rr pls]

been awhile

ya its been a month... i think. lol
So how has it been? nothing much lor. HAHAHA

yea i always say that. I wonder y... i just think that my life is not worth sharing, people shouldn't waste their time listening to me relate my boring life. Its not worth their time at all, nope its not :O

lol my self-worth is sky low, or ground low, nah it shouldn't be surprising at all..

Thats abt it, im really confused, super lost........ no idea at alll....... nil.

Everything everywhere, everyone anywhere.

Shld just start mugging for my exams now. I guess its time..... lol but i got no motivation, no strength, no drive, no mood, just sian. dun want, just dun feel like lor. Its easy to say stuff like its my last year in uni better study hard 4 ur future etc. etc., but let's face it. I dun give a dam abt that all. That won't give me much motivation, not alot, will get get me studying 1-2 days b4 the exams but thats it. I will burn out and its all over. I hope to find it back, i dun have much choice really, but haizzzzz.... can i get over sch????

Of cuz school is not the actual issue, it nv is. lol if it is, then i wouldn't have made to local uni in the first place. The actual issue is everything else, hahaha n that is rarely settled lolx.

Nv did anything in the past 5 years, they were a complete disaster. Gone nowhere, zzzzzzz i'm so fail, again :(

you do noe if u gamble everything off the line liddat, u may just lose it all in the end??? yup i noe, but i like to gamble rmb? haaa lose everything then lose everything lor, let's c how much i can lose. come lah, i not scared leh. bring it on chumps!

So can i like go somewhere now? this desert is killing me, there is no light at all. Im so lost, help i dunno dunno dunno. You want to teach me patience, but time is running out. LOL im fail ran out of patience again. gg sentenced to 2 more years of wandering in the desert. zzzzzz

It sux to wander in the desert. They wandered in the desert for 40 years, we read it as a passage, but im very sure now its really sh*tty to go thru that. Everyday u wake up, u c manna and quail, and thats it. No idea where u r heading, no idea wad to do. Just know that He provided for u, and thats it. Yea He is our provider, he is greater than all, but still u remain lost. I dun wanna be Moses man, stuck in the desert for 40 yrs with a million whiny people, how does he do it, i would have gone crazy lol :(

I wanna kick out of this desert, but thats not the way to go abt doing it. Running around faster in circles just means u get a bigger headache... doesn't do anything. still lost..

How do they do it anyway???? Hmmm looks like i have continue wandering.... ohh well make do with wad little manna n quail He has given me, then just chiong finish my exams!! ohh well no long term thingy nthn to do just clear exams lor :X

sad... reduced to such a state. pathetic :(

hmm So if i start now, is it already too late? Well i won't know, n i can just try. But its so tiring, how am i supposed to go on anyway. Where to find the strength?? How can i keep carrying on when there is nothing? It may be too heavy, im afraid. I dunno if i can move anot. This is too taxing, far more taxing than i thought. So tiring, so tiring, go on daniel, no1 is watching, it can.. be done.

[I will set You as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm]

"O level"

HAHAHAHA lol ohh no i got like O levels nawzzzzz!! zzzzz Sho streesss helpzz meeee pl0x.... ggg die la how how how..

:P


nah i dun have O level's now, just joking hehe trying to role play as a sec 4 since people always say i look like i'm in sec school. yup O level's is not for me, quite a number of people in tech r taking their O's today tho, good luck to them!! :)

Hahaha im very thankful for this batch actually, pray that God will bless them for their faithful service. Pray that He will give me the wisdom to lead them, bleah dunno lol. They have been such wonderful people really lol......

Ya O level's always brings back such memories. How teachers seriously think i'm gonna fail,
how i can't wait to get outta sch,
how i will just spend 1 day before the exam studying for most papers,
how i had 1 month of A maths tuition to cover up 2 yrs to work (n that one tuition is too much for me, i was making noise lol).
how i never ever did a SINGLE 10 year series question at all. I NEVER OWNED A SINGLE TYS book other than the one that i was forced to buy. Nope dun bother wasting time doing tys, game better, i dun care lolx.
how i used to go to cell thinking these paper r crazy, study so much, all dunno y like stressed. Guess i shld touch my books abit since evry1 is studying n i have nothing better to do alr...

Lol i never knew, i never care. But He cared, n He knew. N that is enuff. I guess that is still enuff, but as u grow older, it seems that, suddenly, that may not be enuff. Its strange, He didn't change, then y is it different then??? zzz I wish that is not the case.
Ohh well... goodbye.....

[when u think that God is not big enuff 4 u, that is when everything changes... ]

Update lor

Ahhh
ya just to prevent blog from dying.. so im gonna update. but its 3.50+ am tho.......
maybe i lost my points, but must anyway b4 it dies...

Had a rather bz weekend, alot of things! yup from friday nite onwards i was booked, went to russ hse 4 mahjong, since its his bday lol. Ahh i got owned real bad, but happy bday to him!! hahaha

Yup kinda rested at his place till saturday afternoon. After which i got to pack up, and get ready to go for MS... yup yup ms, crashing again. I like, i always do :):):)
went home after that lol. slpt within 1 hr i got back i think.

And then it was sunday! yup sunday go church lor. haha went for 11 am with cell, after that lunch at astons. Then have to make my way to aloha changi, my grandma 77 yr old bday! Yup nv knew her real age, my grandma is like(not v close to the other side) the only grandparent i have since young. I tell u something, my relatives r imba, serious. I mean my grandma first wish for her bday is to love God, my cousins conduct pnw when they r bored. Yup u get the point... i was just sleepy, wanted to play psp, and waiting for f1 to start. Ohh well some people sometimes ask to be born in a better family etc. etc, but i think the family im born in is simply too good for me. I dun deserve it at all, i dun. Too good, i cannot ask for more, no right to...

Thats abt it, nv do any work at all this whole weekend. Not like i really care anyway. Hmm i got things to settle i guess this week, gg. zzzzzzzzz. I think im losing motivation alr. 1 month to lose motivation, long by my standards, but i guess i cant afford to. But i dunno, i was really tired, i feel less tired now at 4 am, n thats the strange thing....

Hmm u can consider the below a mini reflection lol.
I guess i enjoy downplaying all my achievements in life.

pple say i build robots in e future, i say no lah, i fix toilet 1
pple say wah well done u made it in local u, i say no lah, tyco 1
pple say wah u ministry leader alr, i say nothin much lah, just help out abit only
pple say pro got 2nd in local competition, i say ya ok lah, can still get 2nd quite heng

Nothing, i repeat nothing, satisfies me in life. Therefore nothing i do will please me, and nothing i do is of values to me. That explains my horrendously slack attitude to life, (i must have blogged abt this b4), n y im always lost. Always slow, nv seeming to care, ppl find job, i cant be bother, still the same daniel, dun bluff u havent change much :x

I may have crossed the line of being humble... but nothing will change, i will continue downplaying my achievements, for they r but worthless to me. Nv liked them anyway, nv do.

JBD

or Just Blame Daniel!! haha i knew one day i will blog about this. I just know....

Hahaha ya JBD stands for Just Blame Daniel, which means u can just blame me 4 anything... ya i mean anything. I'm fine with it. I knew u meant it as a joke, n i find it pretty funny too... but its ok, it has always been like this, nt ur fault.

Ya i have been living in blame all my life. Most of the time, i instinctively just take the blame for everything. Even tho its not my fault, i still want to take the blame. friends going into gaming, friends breaking up, friends not doing well in sch, somehow i feel responsible, either becuz i did something, or i didn't do anything. If it seems that i wasn't responsible in any way, then i blame myself for not doing anything abt it. If it looks like im responsible, then ok im to blame for i could have done better. This is y i cannot handle setbacks in life, most people r hit hard. But i will just take all the blame for all involved n just try to carry it all [So its me + every1 else, imagine how much that is :( ]. I will just attempt to blame myself for everything in my life. A direct reverse of some people i think, but ohh well :( People's problems r my fault, my problems r my fault, how can i ever be free??? zzzzzz

Which is y guilt trap always works on me :( probably my greatest weakness. Make me feel guilty, n u r 90% in control of me. Its that bad. haiz :(

Its all my fault, its all my fault.... how much longer can i live liddat zzzzzzz

[I'm sorry, my bad :( ]

on a side note, tech gathering rox!!! I hope we r moving on, i have the faith we r!! :)

Not the same anymore. Never knew how. Never knew when

Emo momo time! no more 1 word titles!!!1 hahaha

nah dun worry. Im far from being emo... very far. n definitely not lovey-dovey. lolx

Hmm tracing origin of title...... ohh ya i was trying to reply something on fb. It has smthing to do with gaming, n i took close to 30 minutes to come up with a reply. Not 30 seconds mind u, but 30 minutes...... 30 long minutes i will say. for some1 like me, who has spent his life gaming, its epic fail....

Yup during those 30 long minutes, i started to reflect on my how sad my life has become. Ok "sad". Haha i just realised how little games i play these days, ahh all thanks to dota, and many things, which reduced my gaming time significantly. Most of the time, im too tired to game....

And then it struck me, that things aren't the same anymore. Everything around me, not one at a time, almost simultaneously, n its not just gaming. And i never knew how it happened. I dun even noe when it even happened. Hahaha even tho i may act, think n look like its the same, somehow i knew deep inside me its not. N i hate this feeling. I dun want to pretend. it sux. bad. If i knew how n why it would bring much comfort. But it just came without any warning, they were little signs, but u can't really tell...

I knew one day i will have to transit, nah i'm not thinking of running away, just didn't noe it would come so suddenly. Or maybe i was expecting too much... prepare too much for nothing lol, it just happened dear. gg.

lolx i think i just miss gaming. Playing all day long without a care, almost like running away, but still always ard. I missed gaming happily, playing becuz i can n want to not becuz i need to. I missed enjoying gaming, instead of trying to enjoy it. Its tiring, zzzzz. I want to be a gamer right now but i can only drool at all the games in game shops, n i lost the right to complain becuz of my age n responsibilities. And thats the sucky thing abt it. I dun mind drooling only, but pls let me complain :( Its only a singaporean thing to do zzzzzz

So many years n counting must i finally move away??? Nah i know i wouldn't. I adhere my vows to the point of death. almost. And for other things??? i guess i just keep in step then......

And thats about it... i guess i will just continue doing the things i love :):):)


Sunday post!

Haha got u there! u didn't think i will rmb rite? heh so yup i had a long sunday. another bz 1 as usual.... was awoken at 9.45am by melia sms. 3 sms at such a strange time, n it was raining :( But nah it was abit expected, becuz cell going 9 am today. Its just that i didnt expect them to turn up lol. at least i nv heard of them waking up that early on a sunday. ohh well...

--- **WARNING** this part onwards is highly unorganised n random --------------

Prep n left hse to meet melia, flan, ben, shanelle, weiling n lie co ng for lunch. Had kway chap at Ang Ke ong (i refuse to say umbrella, cuz its more fun to say its original name :P) Haha had a good time laughing with my cell. Then went to church w flan n lie co ng... nah to slack ard haha, cuz too early for spd. Then it was time to serve for spd. Not 4getting to mention seeing chris at coming out from 11 am svc tho. Yea managed to sneak in n do cam 2. N theodore mentioned that flan sounds like a girl's name (only say such things in secret blogs. lol). Joseph came late at like 3 min b4 svc n just pop out on the camera, win lol :( i could have been owned, that was close la... Ehh svc was smooth ya, but there were things to iron out. Which is good, becuz if im doing, they probably wouldnt have... so yea learning for the future ftw :)
Managed to celebrate some bdays heh. Thanked cassandra n dennis for serving.(ok i meant saying bye) Received a card from sz eyin for her nz trip. Then went to svc w my bro, gwyn and my bro friend. yup nice nice......... saw grace n jon after svc lol, even managed to catch bel at the publicity booth 4 the camp (using our photos mind u, hahaha). then i went to crash rehearsal, haha i love going 4 rehearsals so its fine :) N i gotta wait for my parents 4 dinner anyway so... waved hi to joy in prac, saw many crashers too like ray n lem. lolx holidays i guess =) Taught nat cam 1 man pac, wanted her to watch my shots but she ended up "slacking" instead, well my fault for not telling her properly :X Gave up, decided to play with the camera myself instead hehe :P ok ok rehearsal ended all good. Waved bye to lisa b4 proceeding to slack at the same table i was slacking in b4 spd with tech people. Saw jon sis, said hi. After that saw Ryan, amanda n family going for 7 too! Said hi. lolx i seen so many cell people today... ohh well. Then the choir people were out, yup jared n flan suggested watching movie, which i tink is highly random :X Anyway i couldn't becuz got family dinner... waved bye to more random people on the way out b4 getting a free lift to cs. Had dinner. full family attendace. then home. dinner was bad tho :(

------------ ** WARNING OVER *** ------------------

And that is sunday for me. Super busy. All over the place. Its like diff timing diff group of people, maybe im not used to saying hi to so many people in a day!! hahaha just look at the number of names man... haha putting them down so that at least one day i can recall how my sundays were like =)

Ohh ya sch start. Sch lor. liddat. dun get owned too bad. Be good boi. Not imba anymore :( ok relatively unimba... heh

[ No nid to noe. Just do. ]

Strength

Whats with all these one word titles anyway, u trying to act cool or wad? lol

Yes today was the first day of school. I'm pretty sure i will warm up much faster this time, get my game up and going n stuff. Ohh well for a start i didnt really do much today n i alr tell myself that there is tmr. gg.

Hmmm i need strength. Lots of it. Strength to walk this road, a seemingly lonely road with spectators all ard me. I need more strength, lots of it, to face my greatest fears just to bump them 4 the fun of it. Strength to go on, becuz i noe You r there with me :)

u will not fall, daniel. u will not. i do not allow u to. i noe u dun want to, n i noe u want to keep moving. Its just at times.... it gets too lonely, too quiet............ too................. painful. But im thankful, for You r there with me, n when i feel that u r not, u send people to remind me, n for this, i will carry on. I will carry on.

[Can be done.]

Fear

Ahh here comes part 3. lol. But its 6 am alr. wasted too much time... brain not functioning fully...

ohh well lets c...

Yup. I have come to realize that e one emotion that i have hid the most n yet am most prone all my life is... fear. Haa its a strange realization, becuz u get really good at hiding it that u dun even realize it anymore, until u think further that is.

I have been fearful all my life. Afraid of not doing well, afraid of falling short, afraid of people criticizing me, afraid of trying new things, afraid of change, afraid of the unknown, afraid of meeting new people, afraid of uncomfortable situations etc. etc.

Its amazing ain't it? n i refuse to admit it, for i will not show my weakness. never.

I guess its the environment i have bought up with that made me liddat, train from young to be cautious, to always go on the safe side, avoid mistakes blah blah. It actually took quite awhile that the underlying emotion under all these is... fear. I'm. just. afraid. period.

Good news? i found that out. Now there is hope.
Bad news? Took me abit long u say, but its not going to bother me.

That is all, i shall move in faith n hope from now, try at least =)

But then again, the shell is so comfortable n so nice to hide. y shld i come out anyway? zzz

[For perfect love drives out fear.]

Sanctify

Yup my 2nd blog post of my 3 part series!!! haha not very smart to type it at 4.45 am.. but ohh well i will do it anyway ....

.......

Ok lets c. This title was actually inspired from cell last week. Some qn about how has ur life has been sanctified since u became a Christian. Ya thats abt it. You can guess my answer. Hmm it is... ....... can't really tell. Haa i did not reply nothing much this time tho even if its roughly e same meaning. yup lol.

What a joke. Can't really tell. lol. How can that be, i have been in church all my life, "trained" from young to be holy n avoid sin. Being drilled by my mum to be a super good boy. Avoid any form of evil at all cost. Taught all the correct biblical verses. How can i not really tell? How is that even possible? You mean ur whole life of trying to be holy and good all gone down the drain? You mean tat u have basically wasted all the past 18 yrs of ur life every sunday in church and all u have to show is "cant really tell"? You mean u learnt nothing, applied nothing? Then y r u still even in church wasting your time every week anyway? You dumb or smthing? ZZzzz

........ how do i continue from here. Maybe i gone too far into this, maybe i have given up beyond wad i can bear, maybe i shld have acted blur. Maybe i should have realized earlier its not about the perfect score but knowing Him. Maybe i shld have loosen up abit. Maybe i shld. Just. Maybe.

Haaa. Can't really tell. Hahahaa im still laughing at this. Even right now, its still too late. I may nv return. And all that...... just for "can't really tell". You win, daniel, u win -.-

My road just got lonelier, thx alot.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SUNDAY POST !!!! =)

Hahaha yea its sunday wad else. Well it was heh. Ya woke up in the morning n "got scammed" at mac, lets just keep it at tat zzzzzz. After that went to find cell for lunch at KFC. Ok i wasn't that late. Then i went to watch expendables at tm 3.10 show!! hahaha when i first wiki that show i so want to watch it alr. Yup was kinda afraid that i will miss it again like the many shows i wanted to watch but missed. So i decided to ps melia for 3pm svc n go n watch movie instead. Ops. Yup finished the show at about 5 lol. Then i went for dinner. Which makes my day...

11.15 am: breakfast
2.10 pm: lunch
5.10 pm: dinner

LOL which makes a meal every 3 hrs. i feel kinda full la lol. But eat anyway :)
After dinner walk back to church since i wanted to go for 7pm. Stomachache so crashed rehearsal abit late. I didn't noe cam 5 was empty if nt i would made my way there first!!! HAHAHA =)

Its worth it to make it there j*** ** * * :):):)

Err anyway guessed chicken rise, fail @ whose line is it anyw_ay game then went for 7 pm alone. Message by pastor p_acer was really good! It was on the cost of following Him and yup its probably things i noe but have "given up" throughout the years unknowingly. Yup the cost is high, i noe, i do hope im willing to lay down. I know i want to =) Maybe i got disillusioned somewhere along e way n it became too tiring but ohh well its time to stop waddling in the mud n get up with His strength! yup!! Met eug at bucks after svc. Good way to relax after such a long day haha. Then went 2 mac after tat n solved an "engineering" qn. LOL. went home after that.

15 weeks to exam!! lol im still on holiday leh. ahhhhh

[Repairing...............]

Fail

I got alot to blog really... but been too busy of late to sit down n type. This is the first of 3 "Single word" post. The other 2 will be Sanctify n Fear. Hope i rmb to put them down sometime in the future.

Fail. A simple word. I'm sure u first encounter it when u r really young. U noe, when things didnt go the way u wanted, n then there is this huge sucky feeling abt urself, and that... is fail.

Something we have all grown too familiar with perhaps. Something we have learnt to lived with.

I think i have failed. I didnt manage to accomplish at hand wad i have set out to do. In fact, most of the time, what i did not set out to do, i seem to accomplish them with relative ease. While those things i set out to do with 100% effort often bring little to no results. I guess this explains my heck care attitude to life and things in general, im actually trying to "succeed", just that its very diff from the norm. Guess i have no choice but to adapt to this reverse law in my life. LOL

I couldn't, i hope i could, but i couldn't. I tried my best to do wad little i could, but it is of no use. Some1 else pls do it for me, i couldn't, i had done wad i could, n that is all i can do :( I noe it has to be some1 else, it has to be, i have limited powers. Im sorry if i couldn't, Im sorry if im unable to help. Im really sorry, i didnt mean to. All i can tell u is this, i have done what i could. N i hope i didn't make things worse. zzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry once again if i did. I do not know really, there is really only so much =( Hope some1 else can help...

But this does not mean i will stop, i dun give up. 100% effort for 1% improvement is worth it to me. I will keep trying, keep going, remain there, do whatever is possible in my power, n keep on hoping 4 the best. Keep on hoping... till then, i only got these words to say "I'm sorry for failing, i'm really really sorry."

[Too much, or too little?]

All or nothing? 100 % ????

lol ya this is my 100th post hahaha thats y must relate the title to it.

I think i reached a crossroad. I mean a major crossroad. I should have arrived here 5 years ago but i spent my time walking around in circles, or rather just sitting down staring the crossroad on the horizon. So here i am, back in this spot where i once was.

Been a decade since my last crossroad, the path between daniel and xtra. I'm not even entirely sure if im at one actually, i cant really c. I have been walking blind all these years. And deaf too, i cant really hear much. All i knew is to walk, somewhere, anywhere.

Haiz i really wish i can hide in some corner, run into a far far away land, n nv come back. Wish that i will just disappear, and every1 will magically forget my existence, and get on with living their own lives. I wish i can do nothing. I wish i nv knew. I wish that i was nv there. Can i at least pretend? this may be too much for me to bear...

But i'm unwilling. I'm unwilling to go down so easily. Something inside me tells to not stop, i must carry on. Go on. dun stop. Go on. dun stop. I'm tired, but i refuse to admit it. I'm broken, but i refuse to show it. I just wish for everything to disappear. Or me.

Can i carry on? can i really walk this road, so lonely, so dark... so scary. I'm afraid. I do not noe how. I do not noe y. help ......

Ohh help me to realize i have nothing to begin with. That everything is Your's to begin with. Ohhhh help me to stay focused. Lead me n guide me.

These are but dark times. Many things will change, losses will be great. I must choose carefully, for i may not be able to bear the consequences... for once.

[I will give my all, for i have nothing to lose.]

ohhh..............

Sunday post !!!!! heh :)

hahaha ya sunday post come abit early today. yup yup i woke up early today! 10 am!!! lolz probably becuz i didn't game yesterday nite. I noe, i noe ... etc. etc. ok?

10 am is supposedly on time for cell, but they wanna go zoo today, and since im serving 4 spd, i didnt go. ya lor so slack abit at home suddenly its 12pm liao then get rdy and left home lor. Hmmm today spd starting early, ok like 1.20 pm, still later than 1.15 a long long time ago, but still early la zzzz. Great that every1 came in on time/early. So we managed to standby and all on time! i personally felt that there is an improvement ya? ok la after spd went to eat lunch. flan missing. i lost, no allies 4 lunch. heng got allies eventually. yay :) Ok i crashed into choir stuff again, lolz

Was deciding if i shld go 4 3pm sermon. But i noe i wanna play monopoly deal actually. which is wad i did. Cannot win anything too slow alr. ya after that crash rehearsal n teach people lyrics. At least got some use eh??? haha then went for dinner. With only 2 more allies .... "manpower shortage" i guess. and ehh they from choir, lolz im too xtra alr zzzzzz

haha im like not inside or outside. Very confusing if u ask me. In the past its either xtra or not, now its like how many % xtra, hard to manage lolz

That sounds like my old blog title to me, so it shldn't be anything new. Alright, goodbye! =)

[ Patience! The boy must learn ... patience! - Master Yoda ]

documenting ........

i made a new blog on tum blr, n i just realized that the blog address is in reverse from this 1, didn't even plan it, shows how much i have progressed throughout the years eh?

Ya oso documenting i went for fop 2010. Was deciding if i shld go... had an ns dinner actually, but the thot of meeting them is enuff to make me feel sian alr (i have nothing against them, i wanted to go fop, and i was doing rt in bedok camp at that time, more ns stuff is bad at that point of time.) But didn't want to ps my friend ( ps stands for pang seh, not plaza sing mind u. lol) So i couldn't decide, had to turn to the last resort, which is to throw coin.

First coin toss to decide side to go fop : T
1st toss out of 3: T
2nd toss out of 3: H
3rd toss out of 3: T

i was so happy when the last toss was a tails lah, hahaha secretly that is. So anyway made my way there via circle line. Sat in the same spot with the lyrics in reverse again, but its not my first time so can read the lyrics this time :P. The message was good, a very simple message on hope. Hmm Faith, Hope and Love, the greatest of which is Love. 2nd is actually hope?? seems like faith is rather lousy after all, maybe i have been putting too much emphasis on it?? ahhh nvm. After after fop saw church people, very big grp, nv take photo with them cuz i nt in the original grp. Went 4 supper with campus crusade people, im not in campus crusade, n i only noe like 2 out of 6 people. But anyway i bump into church people again at supper (sg not very big u noe), after supper went to join them again (got free food, n i was feeling too xtra with the crusade people alr). Then took bus 10 home alone. haha :)

N yesterday was sunday... long time no sunday post. Woke up at 9.15 am. Too early for cell, went back to sleep. Woke up at 12.30 pm. gg. prep n activate myself to church. produced for 3 pm. taught not 1 but 2 newbies man pack in rehearsal! heh went back n catch f1. Got activated to cs arcade for fishing n bb. Then coffee bean. Flan hse. Teh Tarik. Home. Waste time. Waste more time. n its 9 am now. End.

Events documented. Mission accomplished =)

[Goodnite world!]

If u r not prepared to lose it, then u r not ready to play

7 am. still awake. y. dunno maybe if i keep staying awake my mind will juz lock itself out.

If u r not prepared to lose it, then u r not ready to play

seems like this is my philosophy in life. It pisses me off (to a certain extent) when i just seem to be in the wrong all becuz i'm gambling in this manner in life.

I was prepared to lose my future when i chose to game all day long during my sec school days, i didn't.

I was prepared to lose my chances to enter local uni when i chose not study for exams during my study break in poly but played games instead, and i didn't.

I was prepared to lose my honors in uni when i chose to spend more time with my friends instead of focusing fully on my studies, and i didn't (hopefully, i have a rather safe buffer i hope.)

I'm not boasting, n i give thanks to Him once again...

I have nv regretted my decisions, even tho on hindsight i could have done better (but who doesn't say that anyway?) But then when i made the choice, i will make it stick. I made the choice to the best of my ability, and that is all that i need to noe ( And no i do not nid to copy u simply becuz i made the choice) There will always be consequences in ur choices, so i dun c what major crime i'm committing here. I'm willing to gamble, even tho the odds looks really bad at times, and i'm all ready to lose. If any part of me is not ready to lose, then i wouldn't commit in the first place. True u can't make all the right choices, but thats life, u have to take responsibility for the choices u make. Whining doesn't help. Staying focused does.

That being said it is very hard for me to fit into the norm. 'Normal' nv cuts it for me. I find it very boring. You have only 1 life, u put everything on the line. Either u make the cut, or u dun. You dun regret, can't go back. Provided u r ready to lose wad u put on the line in the first place. Otherwise u will end up regretting and start finding excuses and start pushing the blame around. And that, in my opinion, is worse than not trying in itself. If u wanna play, u better be ready to lose. Case closed.

[ If u can afford to lose everything in life, then wadeva thats left is just a bonus. Enjoy it while it last =) ]

I miss ...

taking niterider with u
seeing u ard in church
serving with u ard, with u blaming me 4 nothing hahaha
hearing u talk nonsense/random stuff
playing board games with u
ur laughter
u making my day
looking fwd to seeing u
just wondering if u r fine
just hoping that things r going on well for u

probably only the last point is valid now...

This must be retribution. I've always feared this day, that my sins will return to haunt me. haiz...

Ohh well i MUST move on. I know i CAN, i HAVE done it before, and i WILL do it again. Shld be easier now, i must move forward, i noe i must, i have no other choice, no other way. I just hope i will be able to do it faster this time. And finally, chapter closed. Till my 26th bday i guess. haha =)

disclaimer: its just a friend, nothing really personal, do not make assumptions, n do not be misled. yup. the words look really suspicious tho, i just wanna put it all down so that i can finally close it. That is all. Sorry.

[ Again. one. more. time.]

Sunday :)

No its monday already, but my post always lagging. Slack too much, wasting time all day long.

Ohh well sundays rock, haha i somehow managed to get myself to cell despite 1 hr + of sleep (And still awake at 2+ am now). Turns out they havent really start. lol. But thats becuz got international members alr. live conferencing ftw. Have to rush off to church 4 spd. Turns out i got the numbers wrong :( Cant go according to plan lol. But i have rox members so they saved the day again =)

Went for lunch after spd which is well ... lol. Then got tech meeting to discuss stuff. Turns out i got "volunteered" to "ML" status. Which basically means im the POC for tech for spd. Yup all tech leaders have always been 'ranked' evenly, which i have always thought is super cool. Anyway changes, changes, changes. We will see ... Looks like some people can finally retire ya ? yup yup

Got a free lift to tamp and a free card and a free dinner at sakae after that. Yea nice =)

Turns our i still haven't been doing work. But i felt the motivation returning. There is hope. But then i gotta slp. Sleep is important you noe ........

May i find strength in all that i do, may i live to glorify You ...

[ The only constant in life ... ]

rant

This is daniel's random rant. Just stuff i wanna put down ... so excuse me.

Im ... for the lack of better word, really tired. School started last week, n i'm still not in the mood to do anything yet. ZZzz.

Sorry if im weak. Sorry if im not superman. Sorry if i didnt help. Sorry if i wasn't there. Sorry i didnt go as far as i wish i could. Sorry if i had misjudged u. Sorry if i had assumed things about u. Sorry if i'm not caring enough, not patient enough. Sorry if im too preoccupied with my own things. Sorry if im not adequate enuff to help. Sorry if i appear to unfriendly/busy to respond. Sorry if i put my own interest above yours. Sorry if i thought all is fine. Im really sorry if im just being lazy. Sorry for me just being ... me.

Seriously i can't. This is becoming impossible. So tired, but any form of break is juz not possible. I can't break out of myself. I can't just reprogram myself. Im not a robot. This will take longer than it looks, far far longer .....

(ok the above post is not directed at any person in particular person. Just random people)

Now i take all the blame for inactivity. Sian, i just wanna hide at home can?

Really really really sick and very tired of all these.

Now i cant even afford to be sian. Still must maintain a certain lv of un-siannes. Such is the state of my life. What has changed ? nothing.

I do not understand, neither do i have the power to do much. So exactly wad m i here for? mark attendance ?

All the 'i's must go away, yet i cannot do it. I admit my own weakness, for i am weak.

I only ask that You forgive me, that Your will be done.

So now what? I do not know ...

[Wishing it will all go away, yet at the same time being thankful that its there. How confused can i get zzzzz]

2009

yes i noe its already 5 days into the new year, and my title is wrong. But ohh well, my mind is still lagging ....

Anyway this is the long overdue post of 2009.

Ok i will start by giving thanks. Thank God for good results! haha i got A-, A-, B+, B+, B- and C-. looks rather imba if i put it down like this, makes me feel good too lol. But the bottomline is, i broke the 4 year barrier of a stuck gpa !!! Yup all glory to Him, i noe i did nothing actually, meaning, because i slack more this sem. Yes thats how i work lol.

Other than that im glad for this dec too. So many events and all the aussie people back, yup rox :)

Since this post is 2009 i shall go into that. err actually i shared on cell that my 2009 was well, nothing much ... ya nothing much it is. I lived as daniel, eat as daniel, and talked as daniel. Thats about it. I dunnoe, trying to reflect into the past year is like trying to search into a void, there is simply nothing there. i can't seem to recall anything other than one reason, can't hack into my own firewall zzzz.

Maybe there r victories, there r many events i think but ... nope nothing.

I survived 2009. Congratulations. Now unto 2010. Good luck daniel. you will need it.

Ok fine i will set some goals for 2010. Basically,

1. Studies
2. Ministry

Life gets so simple when u can reduce it down. That is all. Goodbye.

[ ............................. ]